I'm too tired to care if this sucks or not.
July 27, 2005 – 9:29 PMOK, so it's not exactly flash fiction. It's over 900 words. It's still pretty short.
PUSH DOWN AND TURN
christy cohen 2005
Did I forget to take my pills? I don't know. I think I took them. How would I know if I had forgotten to take them? I have a memory of taking them. But the days blur together so, it could have been yesterday. Or the day before. Or I could have just been visualizing taking them tomorrow night. Or visualizing taking them tonight, which I meant to do, but just haven't done yet. Because I take them at the same time every night. I have to; I'm supposed to. It just makes it hard because some nights I honestly don't know if I've already taken them or not.
Jason says that I should purchase one of those pill dispensers at the pharmacy, the pop-lid compartments that have the days of the week on them. But from day to day I honestly can't remember if it's Monday, or Thursday, or Sunday. Just because Monday is empty, does that mean I already took today's dose? Or is today Tuesday? And besides, I don't have the energy — or the memory — to get to the pharmacy. Time slips through my fingers before I know it's gone. Tomorrow night I'll still be sitting here on the side of my bed, replaying this same scene, wondering if I already took my pills or not.
I'm going to end this once and for all, this indecision. I don't think I really already took these tonight. I'm pretty sure I'm remembering taking them last night. Because Joanne called me right before I took them, and I haven't spoken to her since yesterday. This has gone beyond ridiculous. I'm a grown woman, and I can't spend endless time sitting here each night trying to remember if I've done something I have to do every day. Okay. I'm taking them now. That settles it. I've taken my dose tonight.
There are so many labels on a pill bottle. May cause drowsiness. Alcohol will intensify this effect. Obtain medical advise before taking nonprescription drugs. Some may affect the action of this medication. I get confused just sorting through the different brightly colored labels, their hysterical warnings. The only problem I have is making time flow normally so that the days don't sift together, indistinguishable, like grains of sand in my hands.
When I spoke to Joanne earlier, she wanted to know if I could come over to help her pick out colors for the living room. Did I go over? I don't remember, to be honest. I think I have to be somewhere tonight, but it wouldn't be Joanne's house, because that was yesterday. I just don't remember actually going yesterday. Which isn't surprising. My short-term memory is a sad state of affairs these days. Unless I actually did speak to her earlier today, and I was supposed to go there tonight. But that's not possible. Because I laid down and went to sleep after I spoke to her, so that had to be yesterday.
Yes. It was definitely yesterday that I spoke to Joanne. So I definitely still need to take my dose tonight. I'll take these now. That's one less thing to worry about, at least. Over and done, the indecision ended. Then I'll lie down and wait for Jason to get off his late shift. I always wake up when he comes in the door, and we'll have a late dinner and go to sleep. I'll be ready for it tonight, too. I'm so tired lately.
Two pills. Wait. I just swallowed two pills. Is that right? Yes, that's right. The doctor said to take two nightly. But is this the right pill bottle? Yes, the green and white capsules. It's the new bottle. The old one is sitting beside the bed. Those are the old dosage. And I know I've been taking the right ones, because I took the green and white ones yesterday after talking to Joanne, also.
Jason is very late in getting home. Unless … no, it can't only be 10 p.m. I slept earlier; is this the first or second time I've woken up tonight to wait for him? I don't remember. My fingers and toes are buzzing. It's a scary thing to think Jason might have already come home and gone to bed, and I'm anticipating tomorrow. I'm so mixed up. But the clock says 10. He won't be home until midnight, at least.
If it's only ten o'clock, then there's no way I took my pills yet. I remember taking them before, but I took them right before Jason came home, and I was going to lie down to wait for him, and then eat a late dinner with him. I have to be remembering last night. This really scares me. It seems so long ago now. I've been wandering up and down the hallway forever trying to figure this out. If I miss a dose, it could be ugly. Withdrawal symptoms. So tired. I can't fall asleep without remembering to take my pills.
Stagger back into the bedroom. You have to at least get these down before falling asleep. This is done. Everything else can wait until Jason gets home. Carefully ease yourself back down the hallway, whoa now! Careful, don't stagger into the walls. Definitely time for a nap before Jason gets home. Sink into the couch, like a fluffy cloud to rest upon. The room is so blurry. Yes, I think I'll sleep right here and wait for Jason, and when he gets home, everything will be fine.