July 25, 2005 – 9:15 PM
My mice are fatherless.- I have a 2-liter bottle of Coke that doesn't belong to me, in my fridge.
- I've archived every videotape I own onto DVD-R. I guffaw in the direction of websites that claim “only available in VHS format” about old vignettes from certain bands.
- Mice are funny.
- Fluoxetine HCl will alternately make you sleep for 3 days at a time, and then leave you with insomnia.
- While under the influence of Fluoxetine HCl, you will speak with perfect logic and clarity, but absolutely everybody in the universe will interpret the things you say in ways totally unrelated to anything you actually said.
- Example: You say, “I wish to drive to Wegmans and purchase some avocados.” People hear, “I want to unicycle down Park Avenue juggling hand grenades.”
- When you repeat the bit about the avocados, they accuse you of manipulating them.
- Don't ever say you're going to go buy avocados at Wegmans. Nobody wants to hear it.
- Accepting the notion that you might, in fact, be insane, you will eventually discover that blasting “Shiny Happy People” in stopped traffic is absolutely fucking hilarious and the fastest way to make angry drivers angrier.
- Likewise, approaching the age of 30 and realizing you sort of like latter-day R.E.M. is absolutely fucking worrisome.
- “I'm Gonna DJ” sounds like a threat to me.
- Putting Tiny Tim on for hold music was the funniest thing I ever did at my last job.
- I have a pinched nerve and the left side of my face keeps going numb.
- Nobody knows if this alleged pinched nerve has anything to do with the I-accidentally-stabbed-myself-in-the-back-with-a-screwdriver incident from when I moved.
- The screwdriver left an interesting scar.