OMG WTF
October 2, 2005 – 4:53 PMI really don't understand SSRIs.
Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. In layman's terms, these drugs prevent your brain from constantly producing too much serotonin, which in turn makes it actually retain the serotonin it produced instead of constantly dumping it to produce more. (I could have this wrong. Correct me if I do.) So you have to drastically slow down the production of serotonin, in order to have enough oil in your engine so as not to have all your little nerve endings overheat.
Somewhere in the midst of all this are your thoughts and feelings, which apparently are drastically influenced by Ms. Sarah Tonin (say hi to Ms. Tonin, class.) I can vouch for this, but I don't know why they're influenced so heavily. Even doctors can't explain why SSRIs work. They just know that they usually do.
My brain is unhappy with me. It likes prozac. It won't let me decrease the dose, not even for a night, without this little, nagging, crushing realization of “Oh my dear lord, life is horrible and unbearable!” midway through my day. Yeah, thanks a lot, Brain. Fuck you too.
I halved my dose last night to ensure that I'd wake up this morning. I have a horrible tendency to sleep 16 hours at a time, if uninterrupted. Imagine feeling so good, a never-ending surge of good feeling zinging through your limbs. A clearheaded euphoria, and the ability to relax and enjoy resting so utterly that you could happily lie for days not moving.
That's all well and good, but ultimately you have to haul ass out of bed and pay bills and go to work and do homework and the like. And I haven't been able to do that very well in the past three weeks. So I halved my dose for a night. I did indeed get up around 10 this morning. (Lately, that is early for me.) But midway through my day — BAM! — that familiar “you will never escape this horrible feeling and you are trapped” mode returned.
I know what and why and all that, but it doesn't help a whole lot when it's a biological disorder causing it. It would be nice if my brain knew how to get along on its own without constantly needing a fix like a junkie.